Wait what, I'm still here? Well, yeah, more or less...not long though. Just feel like shouting my anger out, and what better way to do than get on peoples' nerves on deviantArt, when they are supposed to have a break from my stupid vents.
I'm just so frustrated. I tried so much to get the word out, I tried so much to at least ask people to share my journal here, and almost no one did - and I don't want to even start about no one wanting my apparently crappy art. Oh well, probably wouldn't want it myself.
The people who were actually so kind to help me and share my journal I can count on one fucking hand. Which is kinda sad, I think...I mean, it takes a few seconds, a minute at max if you're writing a small text about it, and still...almost no one did (still, much love to those of you who did. I'm icredibly thankful for your support in that time of need
I don't get why. I mean, of course, many of my followers don't actually read my journals (I know how journal notifications can clutter uop your inbox when you watch many people) and that's fine. But I know quite a few who do and almost none of them helped...Funny enough, on animexx, so far seven people shared my journal (called weblog there), one of them was one of my best friends
, the others, as far as I'm concerned, strangers. Still didn't get me any commissioners, but I do appreciate that they at least tried to help me out. Maybe I'm just not miserable enough yet. Maybe if I wrote some heart wrenching story about whatever I'd get more people to listen (no offense to those who are actually in these kind of situations, but I know at least one who just did it for the attention and/or money).
I know it may be too demanding, but hey, I'm in a pretty shitty financial situation right now (and don't get started on my mental health which refuses to improve) so I guess it's KINDA understandable that it's frustrating me a bit...and that I'm maybe a bit disappointed that there wern't more people willing to help, if not my followers, at least...well, my friends. Because I would've done the same for them, even if most of my watchers don't read my journals anyway, but I'd still try. I think that might be the thing that bothers me the most (apart from the fact that I don't know where to get the money I need so badly right now. Especially for my dog - his next appointment at the vet's is tomorrow - , and my car issues...) Okay, now I sound accusing, and hey, maybe I am being a jerk right now, and I'm kinda sorry for that...and at the same time, I'm not. Of course, it's not your fault I'm feeling shitty. That's also a reason why I will deactivate for a while, but I will explain that further below.
Anyways...Still, I'm kinda pissed. Pissed especially at myself for not producing better, more appealing art, hell, I'm even pissed or being pissed, and pissed that people who rush their art or do some mainstream art stuff get tons of commissions just because they have a popular style or sell their art dirt cheap or for whatever other reason...often people who aren't in actual NEED of money and just use it to buy more commissions or whatever...And then there are artists like me, and many others (one I'm helping by getting the word about their commissions out there right now as well) that actually need the money for paying bills, food or whatever. It just isn't fair. But hey, life isn't fair, so it's not a surprise.
So I don't give a fuck that I am being unfair right now, too. Yes, I do
accuse those that actually read my plead for help or knew I was in need for help and didn't bother to at öeast take a little glance, and still didn't share the journal of not helping me, yes I am
disappointed, and yes, maybe I'm being sulky. And you know what? I don't care. I have other problems than to worry about offending anyone right now. I always try...well, tried to be nice and understanding, to never offend anyone, and right now, I just can't and to be wuite honest, I don't even want to anymore. The most minor things make me lash out, and I don't care. I've been nice long enough. It's not even just about the art thing...It's just what is going through my head right now, and maybe the popular straw that broke the camel's back...Not just maybe. It is.
Right now, going on here just frustrates me even more than I am already, but I keep coming back, because I'm dumb like that.
This made me decide that I will deactivate for a while, so I can't come back all the time. Not forever - I have 30 days to reactivate as far as I know. Though if I'm honest I'm also very tempted to start fresh, and only tell a few people, but that would be kinda stupid now that I have a cm again.
Also I have a long ass list of favourites...so yeah. And I wouldn't be able to be ArmerSchwarzerKater then... But maybe, maybe...We'll see. You will know it when I do it. Maybe I'll make just some sort of backup account, an account I feel less stressed on for now. Not sure yet.
Still not sure when I will return for good. I'm just tired of everything, and I'm afraid I might actually lash out at you personally and hurt you. Because right now I really feel like hurting someone other than myself all the time. Not only because of the art thing...like I said. It's just the straw that broke the camel's back. The other things are actually different things that don't have anything to do with anyone on here mostly.
My mental health is still not improving. I actually find myself waiting for a moment when I'm alone for the weekend just to do something...stupid. Oh well. Not meaning I actually planned anything, the thought just keeps popping into my mind.
My boss at work is getting on my nerves, badly. She's not even unfriendly per se, but nowadays I already feel stressed when I just have to see her. The kids are fine, though I'd rather just take a break from everything...
Oh well. When I'm back, I might be back as a different person, I dunno. I feel like changing my demeanor. I'm fucking tired of allways being nice and understanding and being like 'Hey, it's okay, I do understand that you don't/can't help me, no harm done...' I'm tired of remaining friendly when I feel like lashing out at someone. I'm tired of keeping my anger inside, be it justified anger or not. I'm tired of always being reasonable.
That doesn't mean I will randomly be cruel to people. That's not me. I actually LIKE being nice, and helping others and I often find myself wishing to be able to do more. I always feel I'm not doing enough. But right now it's draining me. So, this basically means, I will keep being helpful, but when I feel mistreated, I will show it. And if anyone gives me hell for whatever reason, they sure as fuck will get hell back. I'm not as sweet of a person as people always say. I'm full of anger, and full of hate, for myself and other things, and I'm tired of keeping it inside.
So, no more Mr. Niceguy. I don't give a single fuck if people will unwatch me for this journal here, be it friends who feel offended or shocked or random watchers or whatever. Go ahead. Do it. I honestly don't care if I offend anyone, and I don't care what you think. You probably don't agree with me and think I'm being unreasonable, but like I said, I don't give a single fuck. Feel free to comment and tell me how wrong I am, how I shouldn't act this way, I won't reply anyway.
I will stay until Friday or so, so you have time to save any pictures I did for you. Because, for the duration of my break, I will put all my art into storage. Some of it may return when I'm back, some of it may get deleted. Not sure yet. There's also no need to share the journal anymore, I will delete it in a moment. I get that no one's going to buy my commissions anyway, and I get most people weren't willing to do it unless I actually beg on my knees for it (apart from those that I already mentioned in my previous journals, whatever I said in this journal here, I didn't mean you~
), and I have to accept that. Honestly it would just leave a sour taste for me and probably anyone involved if it got shared now, and to be honest, I don't even want that anymore.
I also want to mention that I'm not expecting an apology (I know no one's going to do that anyway, just wanted to mention it anyway). Even if someone was willing to do that, I don't want to hear that. Neither want I to hear any explanations, or justifications. It's probably best if you'd just ignore this, really.
I will work on the commissions I got from one of my besties in the next days, and then I will just do art for myself. Not sure about the art trades. Might do them or not. I may sound like an asshole right now, but too bad, I always ask people to wait with their half until I finished mine. People keep not listening to that, not my problem.
Yes, I'm an asshole right now, but right now I have the options to hurt myself because I'm an emotional dumbfuck who doesn't know how to cope with his emotions any other way, or just be an asshole to someone else, so...yeah.
So, that being said...goodbye for now.